The Rules of Spam

The following report posted by The Rules-Keeper, Patricia A. Shaffer, to newsgroup news.admin.net-abuse.email, October 16, 2002*:

Votes having been tallied and certified, these are the Rules of Spam:

Rule #0: Spam is theft.

Rule #1: Spammers lie.

   Russell's Admonition: Always assume that there is a measurable
   chance that the entity you are dealing with is a spammer.

   Lexical Contradiction:  Spammers will redefine any term in order to
   disguise their abuse of Internet resources.

     Sharp's Corollary: Spammers attempt to re-define "spamming" as that
     which they do not do.

     Finnell's Corollary: Spammers define "remove" as "validate."

Rule #2: If a spammer seems to be telling the truth, see Rule #1.

   Crissman's Corollary: A spammer, when caught, blames his victims.

   Moore's Corollary: Spammers' lies are seldom questioned by mainstream media.**

Rule #3: Spammers are stupid.

   Angel's Commentary: Spammers think it's okay to steal a little bit
   from a lot of people.

   Krueger's Corollary: Spammer lies are really stupid.

      Pickett's Commentary: Spammer lies are boring.

   Russell's Corollary: Never underestimate the stupidity of spammers.

   Spinosa's Corollary: Spammers assume everybody is more stupid than
   themselves.

   Spammer's Standard of Discourse: Threats and intimidation trump facts
   and logic.

Rule #4: The natural course of a spamming business is to go bankrupt.

Rules-Keeper Shaffer's Refrain: Spammers routinely prove the Rules of
   Spam are valid.

*Message-ID: <j_WcnSU2NaQo5zCgXTWcpw@News.GigaNews.Com>

**Not in original post.

Blinky Bonus Quote

Blinky would like to add a wonderfully concise example of Rule #3, here. This is the lead of a recent bit of Usenet spam. You do the math:

Ask Yourself  3 Simple Questions

1) Do You Need a New PC or PC UPGRADE ?
2) Would You Like To build Your Own Online ?
3) Do You Want a PC at Trade Price ?
4) Do You Live In The UK ?
5) Would You Like To Purchase Online ?

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Odds...